The Trap of Removing the Problem – From Frustration to Soul Growth
I’m going to talk about a number of ways we can approach relationship problems. I will shed light on common traps we fall into, as well as ways to turn them around in your favor from a soul perspective.
Let’s say you are unhappy with someone who might be in your family (including pets), workplace, or friend circle. You might feel hurt, ignored, betrayed, upset, bothered, inconvenienced, or used by this person.
Set aside what this person has done to you or how terrible it is for now. Let’s talk about the courses of action you could take.
Option 1: Remove the problem. In this case, you could remove the person or yourself from the equation.
Option 2: Do nothing and put up with the problem.
Option 3: Choose growth.
I will attempt to examine each option. Please note: none of these are my advice. These are case studies from common situations, not related to a particular scenario, and may not be relevant to the situation you’re in.
Option 1: Remove the problem
This option is necessary when your safety or well-being is at risk. Do take the necessary action from your good conscience.
However, it is worth noting that every person you encounter has meaning and potential to help you grow or help others. Removing this person who you think is the cause of the problem takes away this opportunity. At the same time, you send out signals of your perception and attitude, which is saying, “I was wronged and hurt. This person is wrong. I am right.”
What’s the problem? The point is, this attitude is going nowhere from a soul perspective – all is led to unity and harmony – unless it accompanies your self-reflection.
(Not saying that you should stay in toxic relationships or environments. If you decide to leave, take note of lessons learned and do things differently in the next phase according to what you have learned.)
Implications of Option 1:
#1. You turn down the opportunity to find out what the other person might have to say, which might be helpful to you, whatever it may look like.
#2. You reinforce the idea that you are correct. Therefore, you believe you have every right to do anything to rectify the situation. This is the "eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth" idea. We all know what this could end up being like. At this point, you are driven by your righteousness and are already searching for all the reasons to justify your decision. So, even if you have taken some action that could cause pain or inconvenience to the other person, in your mind, it is all justified because I am doing the right thing.
Or instead, you might suppress your feelings. These unresolved needs could eventually cause more damage to yourself.
So, both are basically the same and will yield the same results. Someone – either the other person or you – will be hurt, but it is justified. This thinking entails an attitude that prioritizes your convenience over others. At a deeper level, there is control and negligence. You get the idea.
Option 2: Do nothing and put up with the problem
During the journey of growth, there are times when we have to be patient and persevere. It’s your call to judge whether this is helping you achieve your goals or fulfill your purposes.
If your suffering surpasses your higher purposes and you do not take action to change, the implications are:
#1. You are saying yes to this situation.
If the other person mistreats you and you allow that to continue, you send signals to the other person that it is okay to do so.
#2. Your pain is neglected and accumulates. This certainly causes significant stress. Aside from the potential consequences of stress, you also attract more similar situations that cause exactly the same kind of stress, due to the principle of "like attracts like." Why? Because you keep saying yes to more stress. So, the stress calls in more stress of the same sort.
Needless to say, it is hard to negate your suffering or improve the situation unless something in the equation changes.
Of the factors in the equation – such as you, the other party, and the environment (not including 'sheer chance' here to simplify) – what shall we do?
This is really a choice you make: whether to drop one from the equation or alter one. What I know is that we do not have direct control over anything or anyone except ourselves.
If you are open to altering yourself, let’s keep going.
Option 3: Choose growth
If someone wrongs you, there is a reason for such behavior.
Possible causes are that the person:
is stressed about something and is unable to act right
has trauma of some sort, which makes them behave in certain ways
did it with good intentions, but it was not what or how you wanted it to be
is trying to get revenge for the wrongdoing they received from you or someone else
does not care, prioritizing their own benefit and convenience
This person may have all the reasons – or no reason – to do what they did. It is not your job to accommodate or solve their problems.
What can we do?
I understand you might be feeling like steam is coming out of your head from frustration, or you may feel completely devastated. Let’s take a gentle breath. Rest assured – there are solutions.
How about starting with a question from a place of curiosity – What can I learn from this?
From a soul perspective, our paths are set for growth and betterment. To fulfill this, we are given challenges. If not fulfilled, the same challenge will persist until it is cleared. That’s the ruleset we signed up for.
If you take this as a learning opportunity, you come out the other side of the tunnel as a wiser and tougher version of yourself, much closer to your ideal self or personal goals.
But isn’t it unfair if the person who wronged me is not punished or refuses to apologize and rectify the situation with me?
As mentioned above, that person has problems of their own that triggered the problems you have. It is their journey and their choice to continue or change course. The point is, they have no other way but to act as they do – which you have no control over.
Another ruleset I want to touch on here is 因果応報 (Inga-Ō-Hō), which goes beyond the simple law of cause and effect. It refers to the principle that consequences will inevitably follow causes, without exceptions. The timing may vary — it might be immediate, delayed, or arrive long after it's forgotten. Your concerns are taken care of for sure.
Relationships can be complicated. People have been repeating the same patterns over generations. Patterns such as choosing the path of no growth, driven by ego or trauma. The tricky thing is that we might be living in the patterns our ancestors have set up. Sometimes, we choose the path of no growth out of necessity – to protect ourselves. So there is no need to blame yourself.
The path becomes clear when you break the pattern by steering the situation toward your growth.
That’s what I can speak from my observation, my own experience included. I am on the journey just like you are.
Thank you for your curiosity and openness!
P.S. If you need help removing friction in your relationships, check out Relationship Harmonization. In many cases, the effect is immediate. Sometimes, it will take the time it needs to best accommodate you. Though I’m unable to promise specific outcomes—because free will always plays the biggest role—the feedback continues to show me that it is possible, and there is hope. What I can say is that if both parties have good intentions, change tends to come faster and more easily.
One common request I hear is for cord-cutting. This is outside of my scope. People will separate if they should and will find the right person and the right environment. Cutting the cord is essentially opting out of the given challenge, and or you stepping in with the desire to control the outcome of the lessons the other person has when things are already being taken care of. What is possible is clearing the stress and traumas from both sides with the intention of bringing peace and harmony to both, in order to remove the need to produce more problems.
